Stopped Signs

It's 12:50 AM as I am beginning this article. I just spent the last half hour re-reading old live journal entries from when I was a sophomore and a couple from last year. I am going to graduate on June 25th. My last day of school was this last Friday. I am done with high school and I couldn't be more terrified.

For those of you who read my blog, so basically just me, here is a recap of everything that has happened to me since ninth grade as a freshman:

9th grade- I thought I could prove that girls could do anything guys could do so I took the class on small gas engines and nearly failed and passed with like a 70 something. I obsessed over a guy named Ted for eight trillion years (or just one or two) and became increasingly creepy about it. Sorry Ted, if you ever read this. Ninth grade me was a real freak but you learn from your mistakes, I've grown and I see it when I read my old LJ entries (they are ridiculous). I was also a real 'non-conformist punk' in ninth and tenth grade. Which leads me to,

10th grade- I finally got to be in the high school with the rest of the upper classmen. I 'fell in love' with a kid named Aaron who is now just a good (gay) friend. I also 'fell in love' (note the quotations. as a 15-year old, love is a very serious matter for just about any boy you think is cute for a long period of time) with a senior who played bass in the orchestra named Corey. Well that was a dandy experience. At the end of the year my friends put a letter in his car that said to come to my sixteenth birthday party and then he instant messaged me with a lovely threat to call the police. Another great year for me. I made friends with a lot of people, including Mike and Blayke(these names mean nothing to outside readers). Tenth grade saw the beginning and (thankfully) gradual decline of my anti-authoritarian, 'i hate everyone and everything' phase. Lordy.

11th grade-This is going to be a long one. This is the year I had to learn to grow up. I learned to deal with guys, for the most part, from my past experiences (sorry for being such a weirdo! I'm so embarassed). But that's not really why I had to grow up. A kid named Alex who I had known since sixth grade, had been my math partner in sixth grade, and had been in some of my other classes, drowned in the Erie canal on August 28th of 2006. Sorry to make this post depressing but it happened and for the first time in my life I had this huge sign put in front of me that said "You are not invincible" and I realized that kids did die to soon. It was really the first time anyone I had known for so long had died and it was startling because he was my age, I had a personal connection to his death because I knew him, I saw him every day. It was extremely upsetting for me. After that school started and I had to tackle three Advanced Placement courses. It's not really that much but they were my first AP classes ever and I was frightened by the amounts of homework we received. And the first day of school my friend Blayke told me she didn't want to hang out or be friends anymore but at the time it seemed so much harsher and worse than now. My dad developed a disease called avascular necrosis where the blood stopped flowing to his hip bone and he had to have it replaced. Then on March 27th, 2007 a girl that I had talked to a few times that went to my school and was friends with a lot of my friends died from a really rare form of cancer. It was heartbreaking in so many ways. Her name was Natalie and her older brother had already gotten and beaten cancer before her. She was only like a week away from her 16th birthday and I remember that whole day everyone was just so upset, it was unbearable. She was such a nice and caring person and it hit me once again that we, as teenagers, were not immune. I just couldn't understand how two people I had known who were my own age could die in the same school year. Then we found out my dad's disease had spread into his other hip and he had to have that replaced to. The stress of classes finally eased away and I went to get my lisence on June 26th, the same day that five girls from the class above me were killed in a car accident on their way to a friend's cabin. The whole school turned out to support their families and they were all over the news and some of my synical friends said "well they were texting while driving so they deserved it" or "well everyone says they were so nice but they just say that now because they're dead" and I remember thinking, 'how can you say that about anyone?'. I really don't think anyone deserves to die, least of all five girls who were just trying to enjoy their last summer before vacation. I remember going to Katie's calling hours (she was the only one that was an only child, just like me) and there was this picture on this board of pictures of her where she was a little baby lying on her dad's stomach and they were both asleep and I just started sobbing. I hadn't even known this girl ever but I had seen that same exact picture in our family photo album of me asleep on my dad and it just really hit that it didn't matter what clique she was a part of or if we ever would have been friends; we're all the same on a fundamental level. You're probably reading this now and thinking, all this tragedy couldn't occur in one school year but it did. I wish I were making this up, I really do, but junior year was the worst year so far of my life and this all really happened. I suddenly grew up amidst the deaths of peers and mountains of homework and it was terrifying. On top of all that I had to search for colleges so that I could apply in the fall. It was a horrifying experience, that entire year I mean. But things got better.

12th grade-I finally had a chance to put everything from the previous year behind me. At the beginning of the year a kid from the class above me, David, died while at college and for that whole month I thought, please don't let this keep happening. Thankfully it didn't. I got through senior year alive too. I took AP Physics, which was extremely hard at times. I failed my first test ever in my whole life (my first AP physics test: I got a solid 50.5%) but things got better and I started doing better on the tests. I actually finished with a 90 up from a 75 I think. I made new friends and got to know people better. I learned not to fall in love on a whim and allowed myself to like a guy without it being a huge part of my life. I started playing my violin in the orchestra again and I just took things day to day. I got accepted into the college I wanted to go to, the University of Pittsburgh, just to receive a 11,000 dollar a year scholarship (roughly) from a local colleege, St. John Fisher, that was my second choice school. I went to Pitt to see if they would match the scholarship and they kindly told me they wouldn't give me a cent of aid. But I didn't give up and neither did my dad. I got another scholarship from Fisher and he sent that plus a letter 'begging' them to reconsider at Pitt. They did, to my surprise. Just when I though I would have to settle, Pitt wrote back saying they would offer 10,000 dollars a year and we took it. So I was ready from everything. I was going to the school I wanted to, my grades were up, everything seem golden. And then just last week, it all seemed to hit me. When it normally hits kids at the beginning of senior year when they're applying to school, I didn't get hit until last week. There are some people I will never ever seen again after graduation and that terrifies me because some of them I see everyday and they've just become part of my life and soon they won't be. And I know when I get to college I won't really think about them, but I can't fathom that right now. I know I'm not the only person that's stood at these crossroads trembling with fear but I sure feel like it. I'm slightly terrified that I'm not ready to go out and start my new life.

So now you've heard my high school-life story and it's long and sad sometimes and boring other times. I know this isn't really my typical blog post (I also know I haven't had enough posts to really have a 'typical' post) but I just felt the need to get this all out somewhere and I like my blog a good deal.

So here's to moving on, my own personal graduation speech to myself, here's to learning from past mistakes and moving on to make better decisions. To anyone else who is, has, or will ever go through this state of being, may the road take you where you need to get. Remember, "Life is just a whim of several billion particles to be you for a while"

-Technophobe-